Limerence & ADHD

Limerence - the desire to be desired.

There is a stigma around the word limerence. So often, it is perceived as something that only happens in affairs. This is false. It can happen in affairs, but it can also happen in a “regular" marriage or to someone who isn’t married at all.

Here are some important truths about limerence:

• It is, in fact, an obsession

• It can involve excessive thoughts without the other person ever knowing

• It is not always about sexual or physical desire

• It is often born from a place of longing and emptiness—feeling unloved or undesired

• It can happen at almost any age

• It isn’t always about that person

  
  

And guess what? You are not crazy or unstable for experiencing limerence. It is a state of mind. It can fade when desires are either met or when reality becomes clear.

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who wrote Love and Limerence, says, “Healthy individuals can find themselves in a state of limerence they would never have expected. When they recover from the experience, their lives often go back to normal.”

However, it can also become a cycle.

There are times when limerence transfers to another object of obsession. It can continue as a pattern, especially if a person doesn’t recognize what’s happening.

Limerence can deeply affect day-to-day living. When someone is in a state of limerence, they often become hyper-aware of everything—how they look, how they speak, how others respond, body language, tone, all of it. This level of focus often creates anxiety because their mind is constantly scanning, analyzing, and fixating.

It becomes exhausting.

It is hard to be present in daily life when your mind is flooded with thoughts of someone or something.

Another important piece: people with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and other neurodivergent patterns are at a higher risk for experiencing limerence.

Why?

First, the uncertainty—the emotional highs and lows—creates a dopamine rush. That “maybe,” that unpredictability, fuels the brain in a way that can be especially compelling for those with ADHD or addictive tendencies. It creates a high, and that high keeps the cycle going.

Second, individuals with ADHD and other neurodivergent traits are often hyper focused and fixated on things. When that focus locks onto a person or idea, it can intensify the experience of limerence.

So why does all of this matter?

Because awareness matters.

It is important to understand your struggles so you can begin to respond to them instead of being driven by them. When you can name what’s happening, you can start to break the cycle.

This isn’t about shame.

It’s about self-awareness, growth, and becoming the healthiest, most grounded version of yourself.

Written by Melissa Long. Melissa brings nearly two decades of experience in healthcare, with a background in neurology and school nursing. She holds a Bachelor's of Science degree in Psychology with a certification in Mental Health and is passionate about helping others better understand their minds and bodies. Melissa specializes in ADHD, emotional regulation, addiction, and shame, offering a compassionate and practical approach to personal growth and healing.